Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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