we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
