TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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