So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
