i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
