if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize