"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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