he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
And then my night got REAL pukey
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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