A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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