I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
