yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
