So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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