From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
