I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
