Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
