i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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