She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
