i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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