How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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