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I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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