I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
