Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Someone shit on the floor
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
