I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
