took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
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