WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
