Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
