i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
