Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
