Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
