He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
