I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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