He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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