He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
