these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
