I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
