I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
