the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
