You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
