When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
