maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
