Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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