Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
