he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
