Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
