i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize