can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
