i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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