Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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