Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just pee around me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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