There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize