Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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