There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
