Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
