There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
