that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
