I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
