someone owes me an orgasm
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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