ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
