my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
