I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
